Him: Yeah. I called this morning, and now I'm calling again. See, I met [GK's boss] five years ago at a retreat. And we really hit it off. And now my friend has a book. It's REAL good. It's about [goes on to describe the entire book, which takes slightly less time than my reading it. Okay, it takes about 60 seconds, but it seemed like it. And no, it's not even close to a good fit for us.].
Me: (Wondering when AMD will arrive) Mmm-hmm.
Him: And I sent you a copy a week and a half ago! Why haven't you gotten back to me yet?!
Me: It takes longer than that. Also, I need more information to see if it's been entered in our system--received. See--
Him: I sent it to [wrong address by about two miles], just like your website said!
Me: (Thinking: Actually, our website says to e-mail!) That's not our address. Our correct address, if you'd like to re-send the material, is--
Him: Why don't you just get the person who lives at [other address] to bring the work over to you?
Me: Uhh...
Him: This is vitally important. The author will be in NYC next week! I need you to set up a meeting with [GK's boss]!
Me: She doesn't take meetings with authors she hasn't met.
Him: But I met her!
Me: Now, if you'd like to re-send the material, our address is--
Him: I'm not re-sending it! I'm coming to the city tomorrow!
Me: That really isn't necessary.
Him: I'm coming to the city!
Me: Okay. Then drop it in a postal box in our neighborhood. The mail is fast here. We'll get it in a day or so.
Him: I'm dropping it off!
Me: We strongly discourage authors from doing that-- (All while looking at the clock. Just where is that lipstick?!)
Him: I'M NOT AN AUTHOR! I TOLD YOU--
Me: Yes, you're the author's friend.
Him: Yes! I'm his friend! I met [GK's boss]! We're friends!
Me: (Knowing that my boss mentioned, when she heard the voice mail message, that she did not know him), Mmm-kay. Please hold.
Him: No! This book! I know her! I--
Me: Yeah. Hold, please. (Takes a moment to calm down.)
Him: This book is great! It's about (launches into the pitch again)
Me: I'm sure it is. Please mail us your materials.
Him: I'm dropping it off! I'm not leaving the city until I drop it off!
Me: Okay. I'll make an exception--a big exception--for you. You can leave it downstairs. We're in meetings all day and cannot meet with you.
Him: I'll just leave it with your office--
Me: Downstairs.
Him: With your office, and will be (gets all sarcastic) on my way.
Me: Great. Thanks.
Him: But can't I--
[Click.]
And yes. I fully expect that he'll send a note to my boss and tell her that "whoever answers the phone" was very rude and should be taught proper phone etiquette.
It's amazing: obnoxious callers always think that whoever answers the phone is some twenty-year-old gum-smacking type who deserves treatment straight out of, say, Mad Men. At smaller agencies, quite often, it's an agent.
"How did you not lose it?" my boss asked, when I recounted the conversation.
Superhuman patience, I say. I am, officially, Super Woman. With a telephone. Which is probably a cell, since that's better for flying.
12 comments:
LOL. Brilliant!
Ahh, yes. Right behind quality, salability, and platform, the ol' "bullying by proxy over the telephone" trick is the absolute best way to get representation.
I don't have your patience. I'd have lied and told him that you were actually just a front company for an ring of candy smugglers, and that his manuscript would either be used as knock-off Godiva packaging or folded into hundreds of tiny hats for the staff to wear during office parties.
I'd make a terrible agent, no people skills at all.
Colin,
That's clever. And tempting.
Ah. I can see I've been approaching this whole query thing enTIRELY wrong. *making notes*
Maybe if you're lucky, he didn't take the time to write the correct address down--assuming he quit interrupting long enough for you to give it to him.
Either way, I'd have security keep a closer eye on the lobby for the next few days.
I answered phones and did customer for a while before... another career. I can't stand the condescending tone callers get, most assume you're an idiot, and you tell them things A MILLION times--they don't get it. They want their way...NOW! Worst. Job. Ever.
Sometimes, I did lie for my sanity.
*giggles*
Love it. That was some bionic patience you demonstrated. You'd look great in the Super Woman suit. You know, Halloween is right around the corner. I'm going to be "The Bride" from Kill Bill. I could stand outside of your office in my yellow jumpsuit and slay annoying people with my samurai sword. (I work for gummi bears. ;))
Karen,
That's a very clever costume idea!
Hmm. Super. I'll have to consider it. I like the idea of being fierce. Or with flying abilities. Will consider.
As for samuris, for whatever reason, I know a number of them. Unfortunately, they all work in finance or education (weird, right?) so it's hard to book them during business hours.
But would that be cool?? Crazy Dude comes into the lobby and is greeted by two silent guys with swords.
Yes. I like that very much.
Okay, there are a lot of ignorant psychos out there.
I'm willing to bet that 'friend' of his was a girl he was looking to score with.
See, when you realize that all his annoying tenacity just kind of falls into place.
This is why I don't work in the corporate world. This kind of douchebag probably does well in the sociopathic MBA culture.
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