Here's a re-post of a phone call we received about a year ago--and a "spot the errors" game.
There are twelve things wrong with the phone call--see if you can spot them all! Comment with your guesses.
We've received more than our usual due of crazy callers this week, and rather than type up transcripts of that misery, I'll repost my favorite. And yes, this really did happen. The moment I hung up, I jotted down every sentence I remembered.
At my company--as is not uncommon with small agencies--generally whoever's closest will answer the phone. This results in the occasional Angry Writer telling me (an agent) that I'm not qualified to answer their question about whether we represent books about aliens on skateboards with guns and how it relates to their own personal alien abduction. Am I eagerly waiting for their queries? You betcha!
Tips/answers to follow.
*
Her: "Hi, I'm _____________ from ____, Kansas America
Me: Houses. Publishing houses.
Her: "Yeah, publishing agencies. So, can you take on my book?"
Me: It's not quite right for us. See, we don't do mysteries...
Her: "Well, you're probably not qualified to tell me, but what agents are right? See, I've got my LMP..."
Me: Houses. Publishing houses.
Her: "Yeah, publishing agencies. So, can you take on my book?"
Me: It's not quite right for us. See, we don't do mysteries...
Her: "Well, you're probably not qualified to tell me, but what agents are right? See, I've got my LMP..."
*
Found the twelve mistakes? Comment with those you've spotted...
7 comments:
i only see one mistake:
the phone call itself.
i am so, so sorry you have to deal with people like that. yuck.
1. phone call
Her: "Hi, I'm _____________ from ____, Kansas. I need a literary agent! That's you!
2. Do homework! Are you taking new clients?
3. Don't make negative assumption! You probably aren't. You probably can't help me.
4. Then why don't you have an agent? I already published my book.
5. You don't rep that. It's a murder mystery.
6. Unless you're friends with Oprah, don't mention it. My friends say it's the best thing they've ever read. You can trust 'em, they read a lot. Anyway, they say I should turn this into a movie.
7. Never say this unless a cupcake is present. I really wanna take a bite outta that.
8. Lying is a sin. Isn't it? See, it's a great book.
9. I saw se7en, thanks. People die in real original ways.
10. Glad to know you feel a personal connection. I sent off packets to a buncha agents.
11. Honey, no. Publish America took it! Real easy. Now it's a book. I want it to be a movie.
I found you in LMP" [clearly pleased with self for using the term as if familiar with it] "and now I need an agent. You probably only get movie deals for people you publish, huh? People who--wait, what do you do, anyway?
12. Research! You send things to publishing agencies?"
Me: Houses. Publishing houses.
13. Don't play deaf, honey.
Her: "Yeah, publishing agencies. So, can you take on my book?"
Me: It's not quite right for us. See, we don't do mysteries...
14. Just NO. Her: "Well, you're probably not qualified to tell me, but what agents are right? See, I've got my LMP..."
I found 14, but I think I'm feeling snarky. You have the best job in the world... and the worst.
This cracked me up :) Here are the errors I found:
Calling at all - & cold calling at that!
"You can’t help me..." - and you're calling because...
"Already published book" - 'nuff said
Friends - yup, the best references EVER!
Um... you’re a literary agency – not a movie maker
"Die in original ways" – possibly a big ewww – and probably already been done
Publish America – "real easy" – really?? Wow, who knew?
Sent “packets” to agents – wonder how much that cost? – did she even send it to you? She doesn’t say
NOW I need an agent – yes this is absolutely perfect timing
"What do you do anyway?" She obviously did a great deal of research :)
Don’t do mysteries – another sign of well done research
Do you know you aren’t qualified? – cause obviously she’s in the know!
Thanks for making my day a little brighter. I suddenly feel a lot smarter :)
Only 12? I counted a lot more.
You poor thing. You should let Karen Walker (Wil & Grace) answer your phone. She'd know how to handle these sort of people.
Karen’s Blog
Is there a version of this game where we try to find what the caller did correctly? I've a feeling that's a game where no one wins...
I'll throw in a guess at demerit #1--he called, using a telephone, instead of querying, using the method you would prefer.
And, as someone who answers phones at my place of work, demerit #2--insinuating, ever, that the person on the other end is "unqualified" to answer your question. That's bad business anywhere!
"Hi, I'm _____________ from ____, Kansas." <-- saying name before being sure positive impression was left behind.
"You probably can't help me." <-- then calling. . .why?
"I already published my book." <-- with a legit press, vanity press, on your website, via direct mail?
"My friends say it's the best thing they've ever read." <-- they must be very nice friends.
"hey say I should turn this into a movie. I really wanna take a bite outta that." <-- Yes because selling to Hollywood is much easier than publishing a book.
"People die in real original ways." <-- are you threatening me before I've even said a word past "Hello?"
"I sent off packets to a buncha agents." <-- I feel special.
"Publish America took it!" <-- can of worms, leaning toward leaving it closed.
"You probably only get movie deals for people you publish, huh?" <-- we have a website. . .with a FAQ, even.
"Yeah, publishing agencies. So, can you take on my book?" <-- I'd sort of have to read it before making such a big commitment.
"Well, you're probably not qualified to tell me" <-- Probably not.
"See, I've got my LMP..." <-- Congratulations! When are you due?
I don't know. . .I'd be tempted to leave the voice mail on with a message that says send a query, and then not return wild calls. But then of course you could miss that rare gem from a good writer just getting into the market. . .so. . .what to do?
:)
I agree with Tahereh: there is only one glaring mistake, and that was allowing this person to use a phone in the first place.
Epic fail.
I need a band-aid after reading that mess. I think my brain is bleeding. And someone needs their Ritalin, stat.
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